The arrival of a baby in addition to love in abundance and colossal dark circles, brings with it a vital change without comparison, one in which, sometimes, you can also see your sexual life damaged. But having children doesn't have to mean having less sex, it all depends on how you manage it in the couple. Here we give you the keys to survive ... with desire.
Spoiler: not everything "is wrong"
In the top 3 of the ideas we have about sexual intercourse after the arrival of a baby are that little or nothing is done, that it no longer brings fireworks nor is it a madness of sexual R&D, and that, in great part is because we want women. And it should start clarifying ideas.
While it is true that many of the couples that I attend in consultation protest because their sexual life went to hell, and that within this, many are the women who after childbirth (or already in pregnancy, with the discomfort that sometimes accompanies him) lost the desire, is not something that happens to everyone.
How we live our sexuality and what we understand by sex are elements that will greatly modulate the experience.
And why do I start by saying this? Because it is important that we are clear that no, that paternity and less - and worse - sex are not one, it is not something inherent, it is not a curse that we are all committed to living when we become parents.
For example, there are women who have the best sex of their life during pregnancy (and more desire than when they were 18 years old and more hormones than hairs on the head). At this stage there is a large concentration of blood "in the southern part of our body", which makes our genitals very irrigated and therefore more sensitive. Ole for them.
Others, as I said, do not even want to hear about sex, because they have enough to survive morning sickness -mal calls- (I wish they were only in the morning) or with the pain (physical and mental) of childbirth ... and everything what comes next.
On the other hand, when talking about sex after fatherhood, speeches tend to focus on women, specifically their loss of desire, as if it were the only one that happens to them ... or what can happen to them.
But no: there are men who have less desire, just to talk about it is not easy in a world in which the prevailing sexual model condemns any behavior that is not of "always willing off-road male."
That said, if you have just become a parent and between changing diapers, cleaning baby's "foal", washing poopy bodys and other paternal eschatological tasks, you do not find time or desire for sex, here are a few things you can do to keep the spark… without falling asleep along the way.
Good sex ... when we have a baby
1. What is sex?
The first step in putting our post-paternity sex into shape is to review what we understand by sex. I imagine that if you have had a baby you are familiar with the paradigm, with that of putting and taking things out of places, but that does not guarantee that we are clear about what sex is ... really.
If we are thinking that sex is just that, penetration, in a stage such as postpartum, in which women still have “genitals” in work, we will effectively live in paternity as a moment of sexual “loss”.
But the couple's physical intimacy, sexual pleasure, sex is much more than intercourse: perhaps in these first moments when the woman's body is still recovering sex as you conceived it, it is not an option .
However, that does not have to be the end: if we start from the fact that sex is more than intercourse we will have a lot of wonderful things to do that will make us feel great. For example, giving naked massages, crossing the body of the other with the hands (how about some massage oil?) ... What is it appetizing?
There is nothing like not obsessing with intercourse to discover a thousand wonderful forms of body pleasure. Massages are forms of intimacy, we are naked, it is pleasure. But it is also comfort, care, relaxation ... those things that are so lacking in these moments when the baby is so demanding and you are so tired and outdated. And if you can also take a nap after the massage, then it is better impossible.
2. Let's go to bed ... to rest
Tiredness annihilates the desire for sex. And it is not surprising, of course: to see who gets rough after weeks of not having slept more than three hours in a row.
If you want the bed to be something more than that place where you lose consciousness - sometimes and sometimes - you have to guarantee some rest for both of you. That means taking turns, taking care of yourself, prioritizing rest or asking for help if we need it.
And it is not only because of sex, which is already a good reason: lack of sleep, high tiredness, feeling overcome, are variables that have a greater chance of developing postpartum depression, something that we clearly want to avoid.
3. Think green
We tend to think that desire is eternal and incorruptible, but the reality is that it is affected by numerous variables, and for it to stay alive and healthy it needs us to feed it.
The cocktail that forms hormones (especially during breastfeeding) with fatigue and the change of role so wild that motherhood implies, causes some women to lose sexual desire, or to see it diminish like a sweater washed at 60 degrees with a spin of the little forts.
Yes, the woman's sexual desire is modulated by hormones (after childbirth the production of estrogen and progesterone plummets and prolactin is generated, which is not very friend of desire), but also by fatigue, because of the overwhelming role change, for the bodily changes he has lived ...
With all this festival there are those who stop thinking about sex, and relegate it to their list of priorities (because it is true that sleeping and eating are things as very necessary), and that is when the desire definitely goes away.
But sex is a wonderful thing, it's a moment of intimacy, a time of being the two of us again, you and me, and not dad and mom ... Do you remember how much you liked it? Well, don't leave it, don't hide it in your brain.
Find the green side of life, send a WhatsApp to your partner with an idea to carry out when you get a little while alone, put that song ... that puts you, imagine what you would like to do if you had a whole night for you (besides sleeping, of course) ...
The more we think about sex and the more we enjoy it, the more desire we will have and the more we will look for it. Y The more we do and the more we enjoy, the more we want. It is a simple formula.
4. Oral sex
In addition to the practice in which you are thinking, which is great, with oral sex I mean that you speak: sexual communication is fundamental at any time, but especially in this in which there is such a great vital change, in addition to a change Body for women.
Where do you like it, how do you like it, if a certain position now bothers you, what would you like to do (when the little one stays with the grandparents that afternoon), where ...
It doesn't matter if you have known each other for years, no matter how many times you have already gone to bed, people change, tastes change ... Take advantage of this stage to rediscover, to try, to redesign your sex life.
5. Surfaces for love
When you have a baby, your bed stops being the sacrosanct temple of rest and lust and becomes a changing table, a restaurant for the baby, and often an apartment for three. How to do it if the little one is there?
Well, look, because obviously sex is not something that can only be had in bed: your house is full of places where passion is unleashed.
In fact, having a baby can even be an advantage for your sex life, because it encourages innovation. Having a miniature occupy in your bed will "force" you to look for those other locations for love, and with that we will be breaking the rutinilla.
The kitchen countertop, on the washing machine (in the US it became fashionable to do it while it centrifuges, thus taking advantage of the vibration ...), in the shower (and thus also save water) ... surely you can think of more!
Yes, things may have changed, you may have more sleep and less time, but sex is something so wonderful that it is worth caring for and maintaining. Of course, so that it is it is necessary to take care of the couple, be a team, for all.